here be wonder

All the frogs in the pond were afraid of the biggest frog. So frightened were they, they made him their king. 

The big frog ruled the pond harshly for many years, but soon decided he wanted more. 

He left the pond for the city and as he did, he grew and grew until he was monstrous in size. 

The people in the city made him king, for they were very afraid. He ruled without mercy for years, but still he wanted more. 

So, he grew and he grew and soon he ruled over the whole earth as a terribly wicked tyrant. 

The moral of the story? 

“Marshmallow total, sir?”

“Excuse me?”

The customs agent didn’t miss a beat before going into his explanation.

“Yes sir. Marshmallows are our standard unit of measurement. When you leave, your personal marshmallow total is the amount of sweets you will need to pay tax on.”

The man in line tried to cover his nervousness.

“Oh, well, I don’t have anything to declare so if will excuse me…”

“Sir, don’t make me call security.”

“No, really…I don’t even like sweets…in fact, I’m diabetic!”

The customs agent pressed the silent alarm and blocked the man. As the guards closed in he said, “Sir, people with diabetes don’t come to Candyland.”

At the wake, rugged men drank manly drinks and reminisced about their good friend Beckerdite.

“Remember when he scared a bear off by riding another bear at it?”

The men all nodded.

“Remember when he swam across Lake Erie just to deliver a letter on a Sunday?”

The men nodded again.

“What about the time he put out the fire at the orphanage and rebuild the damaged part in the same week?”

Again, they nodded.

Suddenly, the door kicked open.

“How about the time he almost died but slapped death on the butt instead, you bunch of girls!”

“Beckerdite!”

A small, frail looking man stood in the doorway.

“The same!”  he exclaimed, “Hah!”

Jamie had invited Dylan over for a home-made dinner. 

She had promised it was her mother’s recipe, but Dylan seemed doubtful. He watched her from the table as she pulled a pan from the oven and brought it over. 

“Taadaa!” 

But Dylan didn’t say a word. He merely slipped a pistol from his pocket. 

“Word of advice: humans don’t usually grab hot pans from the oven bare handed.” 

Jaime looked down at her hand and smiled. 

“I’ll remember that next time.” 

As she advanced, the pistol fired and was silenced.